People-Pleaser… SMH.. A Heart‑To‑Heart Wake‑Up Call For Women And Girls Who Are Done Living For Everyone Else.
Stop Being The Family Customer Service Department
If you have ever apologized to a chair for bumping into it, this is for you.
From middle school to retirement, girls and women are trained to be the emotional customer service department: “How can I make you comfortable today, even if it ruins my week?”
Here is the plot twist: your life is not a group project where everyone else gets an A while you do all the work. You are allowed to be happy and not just “useful,” “nice,” or “convenient.”
Why You Became A Professional People‑Pleaser
You were not born saying, “Sorry, is my breathing too loud?”
Most girls learn early that being agreeable, quiet, and helpful gets praise, safety, and sometimes love, so people‑pleasing becomes a survival skill.[artsci.utoronto]
- Teachers love the girl who never complains.
- Family loves the daughter who never argues.
- Friends love the one who always says, “Whatever you want is fine!”
That survival skill is clever when you are 12 and stuck in someone else’s house.
But if you still live by that script at 22, 42, or 62, it quietly steals your time, your money, and your sense of who you are.
Your Parents, Your Path, And That Quiet Resentment
Let us talk about parents, the original life managers.
Many parents genuinely want you “set up”: respectable job, stable income, solid reputation in the group chat.
So you hear things like:
- “You’d make a wonderful doctor.”
- “Law is stable.”
- “Content creator? That’s not a real job.”
Underneath it, there is usually love and fear: they want you safe because the world is unpredictable and student loans are very real.
But when love comes wrapped in pressure, it can feel like you are auditioning to be the child they wanted instead of the human you actually are.
Here is the complicated truth:
- You can be grateful for their sacrifices.
- You can honor their intentions.
- And you still do not owe them your entire life.
Thanking your parents for their guidance does not mean signing a lifetime contract to live their unfinished dreams.
The Courageous “Thank You” Talk
At some point, you may need the most grown‑up conversation of your life—the one where you say “thank you” and “no” in the same sentence.
Something like:
- “Thank you for caring so much about my future.”
- “Thank you for pushing me toward stability when you didn’t have it.”
- “I know you picture me as a lawyer/doctor/engineer.”
- “But that path doesn’t fit who I am, and I’m choosing a different one.”
You are not rejecting them; you are rejecting a costume that does not fit. Your parents’ job was to give you roots and values, not to control every branch and leaf for the next 60 years. Will some parents be upset or scared? Possibly. But you are not responsible for regulating every adult’s emotions like a walking, talking mood thermostat.[betterfemalefriendships]
When Their Dream Becomes Your Debt
Here is where it gets painfully unfunny.
If you enroll in a career path you hate just to keep peace at home, you are the one who collects the consequences.
- You are the one sitting in classes that make your soul yawn.
- You are the one dragging yourself to a job that feels like a very slow, very polite horror movie.
- You are the one signing loan papers whose totals look like phone numbers.
Decades later, people still rearrange their entire lives around student loan payments and financial stress.
Parents may use their own money or loans to help, and families can end up sacrificing their long‑term security trying to fund degrees that nobody actually wanted.
And here is the harsh part nobody prints on the graduation invitations:
Someday your parents will no longer be here.
The praise and pressure will go silent.
But the degree, the career, the debt, the burnout, and the question “Whose life did I just live?” will still be there.
Imagining The Other You
Picture two versions of yourself in ten years.
Version A:
You did what everyone wanted. You followed the “safe” path even though it felt like wearing shoes that are half a size too small.
You post work memes about hating Mondays, scroll travel content during lunch, and leave your real dreams in the comment section for other people’s lives.
Version B:
You had the terrifying conversation, disappointed a few folks, and chose the path that actually fits your character—whether that is being a traveling content creator, a plumber, an electrician, a teacher, a baker, a tattoo artist, or something that does not even exist yet.
You still work hard. You still face challenges. But the struggle is for a life that feels like yours, not a costume rented from your family’s expectations.
Neither path is pain‑free.
But only one leads to self‑respect instead of long‑term resentment.
College, Trades, And “Real” Jobs
There is a myth that some careers are “real” and others are just hobbies with Wi‑Fi.
Reality is messier. Plenty of people with traditional degrees are underpaid and miserable, and plenty of people in trades or creative work live comfortably and love what they do.[nytimes]
Service careers like plumbing, electrical work, and other skilled trades are essential and can pay extremely well without burying you in the same kind of academic debt some four‑year paths require.[sofi]
Meanwhile, content creation and digital work have become legitimate careers for those who treat them as businesses, not just vibes and ring lights. So when someone dismisses your dream as “not realistic,” what they sometimes mean is “I don’t understand it” or “I’m scared for you.”
But fear is not a great career counselor.
How To Start Pleasing Yourself (Without Becoming A Villain)
You do not have to transform overnight from people‑pleaser to ruthless lone wolf.
You just start choosing yourself in small, consistent ways.
Notice your automatic “yes.”
When someone makes a request—family, partner, teacher, boss—pause before answering. If your chest tightens and your brain screams “no,” listen.[betterfemalefriendships]
Practice tiny honest statements.
Try sentences like, “I actually don’t have the bandwidth for that,” or “That plan doesn’t work for me.” It may feel rude at first because you were trained to be endlessly available. It is not rude; it is honest.
Write your “I want” list.
Without thinking about anyone else’s opinion, write what you actually want in the next 1–3 years—how you want to live, learn, love, and work. Self‑awareness is the first step to exiting the people‑pleasing loop.
Expect resistance—and survive it.
When you change, the people who benefit from your old habits may complain. That does not mean you are wrong; it means the system is adjusting.[thegalproject]
Build a support squad.
Find at least one friend, mentor, therapist, or community that does not need you to shrink so they can shine. Healthy relationships survive boundaries; unhealthy ones crumble without your constant sacrifice.
None of this requires you to stop loving your parents or caring about others.
It simply means you are adding yourself to the list of people who deserve your energy.
A Love Letter To Every Recovering People‑Pleaser
- To the 13‑year‑old who keeps switching hobbies because everyone has an opinion.
- To the 22‑year‑old about to pick a major just to make group chats proud.
- To the 35‑year‑old who already has the degree, the job, the debt, and a strong desire to run away and start over.
- To the 60‑year‑old who spends every day thinking, “What if I had chosen me sooner?”
You are not too dramatic, too selfish, or too late. You are simply someone who has outgrown the story that your only purpose is to make everyone else comfortable.
Thank your parents for loving you in the way they knew how. Then thank yourself for finally stepping up to love you in the way you actually need.
If you remember nothing else, remember this:
- You are the one who has to live your Mondays.
- You are the one who repays your loans.
- You are the one who lives inside your body, carries your exhaustion, and feels your joy.
So let your life reflect your character, not just their expectations.
Pleasing everyone else might get you applause, but pleasing yourself gets you a life
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True Story…
Growing up I was never much of a “people-pleaser.” My parents did their part raising me, but honestly, I spent enough time with my godmother — and she was a total boss. Think classy with a sprinkle of gangster energy. I soaked up everything from her. Love that woman to pieces.
The only person I ever really wanted to please was my mom, and even that phase didn’t last long. So trust me on this — live life your way. I’m not saying ignore advice from your elders (because a lot of it is solid), just make sure it fits who you are before you take it to heart.
From ages 3 to 16, I was basically under holy house arrest. Every Saturday, like clockwork, I got dragged to church in my shiny black or red shoes, starch-stiff dress, and a hairstyle that screamed “sit still, or else.” Somewhere between the hallelujahs and the potluck casseroles, I actually started to enjoy it—the sermons, the choir, and all the beautifully nosy aunties of the congregation. But then came age 16… and my decision to get fake baptized. Yep. You heard me. I got dipped in holy water not because I’d seen the light, but because I wanted to please my mother. So there I was, standing in that baptismal pool, pretending to be reborn while secretly just trying to please my mom. Looking back, it was a total waste of waterproof mascara and pure intentions. The lesson? Get your self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence at an early age—from your gangster godmother, that unfiltered cousin who tells it straight, or a great book with attitude. That way, you’ll never have to fake your fabulousness—for anyone again. Amen and a side of extra sass… wink, wink.
… and if you’re not stimulated enough after reading this post, here’s another that I think you’ll enjoy. Unleash Your Authentic Self: The Key to Finding Your True Tribe.
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